OMG the Glass!

The first year of my first marriage, I managed to break 11 of the 12 glasses we received as wedding/shower gifts.  We had a relatively small wedding – the large number of glasses was a joke about my ex-husband’s neurotic need to be able to get his hand in the glass; at least that’s my interpretation.  I think he might think it’s because everyone agrees with him about being able to get your hand to the bottom.  Or maybe it’s because everyone knew that I was a klutz.  Either way, we went through at least a dozen more before the end of our marriage (there were too many ‘broken marriage’ clichés I could insert here so I just didn’t bother).

At my second wedding there were no glasses as gifts.  Now that I have a toddler, I’m kind of regretting that.  Well, I guess, as a mother of three, I’m regretting it.  It’s been a very glassy week.  Yesterday my teen broke a wine glass (It was in the dishwasher he was emptying, he wasn’t actually drinking wine…  He’s much more of a whiskey drinker, anyway).  After I swept it up he tells me he’s surprised I was so quick; it was apparently a much faster job than when he and my husband cleaned up the beaker he broke a few days earlier.

Then there was the glass ball I dropped, only hours before the wine glass incident.  An ornament filled with glow-in-the-dark paint; fine glass and dried paint all over the kitchen.  Oh well, the kitchen needed sweeping anyway.

But tonight, Babington broke a tumbler. I have never seen so much glass… and as an Olympic-class glass-breaker, I know what I’m talking about.  It shattered like a … well, a glass.  But it was a tall, heavy glass – tiny square shards, scattered across my messy living room.  I was shaking out stuffed animals, wiping down books, throwing out papers because it was too much trouble to decided how to clean the sheets up, and sweeping under the radiator, repeatedly, as the glass kept appearing out of nowhere.  It was across the room (how it worked its way through the clutter, to find the corner on the other side of the room is a mystery to me.  Must have been a wicked ricocheted off of the rocking chair, across the hardwood, into the music box, off the wall, over to the laundry basket, along the book, into the corner.  But I’m just guessing).

I’m just hoping I got it all.  The only thing worse than picking glass out of your own foot is picking glass out of your kid’s foot (hand/ knee/ face… how do they even do that?)

Did I mention we have a cat?

 

He never seems to know why we're so mad at him.

  

 We named him Ivan. 

Then he lived with us for 3 hours and we renamed him 'Spaz'.

Just in case you didn't know, it's a far more offensive name in the UK than in Canada

(which I discovered when I posted pics of him on Facebook)

Magazine lists of things you need to know

In 2008, Popular Mechanics had an article entitled: 25 Skills Every Man Should Know.

I just had to get it. How could I resist that? I mean really? Part of me was appalled at the sexism. The other part wanted to know what 25 things made men manly… and being on my own at the time I figured it was time I learned to be a man- so to speak.

Okay, what 25 things should the new man in me know how to do… hmmm.

1. Patch a radiator hose. I don’t even know what a radiator hose is. I know it’s in my car- presumably under the hood. But what’s under the hood is very expensive so I’m going to leave that to a professional. Moving on.

2. Protect your computer…wow. How am I gonna get a condom on my computer… its not like I cruise the porn sites anyway. I’ll give this one a miss, too.

3. Rescue a boater who has capsized. This is all part of natural selection in my opinion. So far this article isn’t terribly helpful…

4. Frame a wall. For what exactly? For the shed I’m going to feel compelled to build to go with my lean-to while I’m stuck in the woods? Cause if I’m home I know exactly how to frame a wall- I call a contractor.

5. Retouch digital photos. Huh?

6. Back up a trailer. This I can do already. I may not be able to put it where you want it but I can put it where I want it and that should pretty much be the same thing.

7. Build a campfire. This I can do with fire to spare. Junior woodsman of the year when I was 15. I’m way ahead on this… do I get two points for this one?

8. Fix a dead outlet. Looks easy enough. And if it turns out I can’t do it right the building will burn down and no one will be the wiser.

9. Navigate with a map and compass. Yeehah. These are getting easier. I can get lost in a mall or downtown Halifax but give me a map and a compass and I’m good to go… as long as someone else sets the declination for me, naturally.

10. Use a torque wrench. Can’t see a lot of use of a torque wrench in my future but I’ll look to PM when the day comes. They’ve simplified it to one paragraph. How hard can it be?

11. Sharpen a knife. Don was addicted to sharpening knives. Intimidating, yes. But instructional, too. I think I can do this one.

12. Perform CPR. Umm… wouldn’t bet your life on it but I was trained to do this a few times in the past. Next?

13. Fillet a fish? WTF? I don’t even eat fish. I’m sure in the event that I get lost in the woods (ha) while on a hike (snort) and manage to rig a fishing tool (fish hook earrings finally prove their worth) and strangely manage to catch said fish, why would I fillet it? I fucking hate fish. The irony will be when I die of starvation surrounded my 25 beautifully filleted fish.

14. Maneuver a car out of skid. Okay. I know what you’re thinking but, really, I can do this. I may have more skids than the rest of you but this just means that statistically I maneuver out of more of them than most.

15. Get a car unstuck. Hehe. No sweat. I’ve had lots of practice. Maybe men should learn not to get stuck in the first place. I would have found that article more helpful.

16. Back up data. Why is this man stuff? I guess women never get stuck, skid, or lose data? No wonder we’re so superior.

17. Paint a room. Been there. Done that. Got the shirt to prove it.

18. Mix concrete. Ooh. I’ve seen this done, I can read directions, and I’m supposedly doing this this summer. I’m gonna be able to check off another one. I notice it doesn’t say I have to know how to pour it. I guess that the next 25 things manly men can do.

19. Clean a bolt-action rifle. It doesn’t say why I should know how to do this. I guess in case the filleting a fish thing doesn’t work out for me? Either way its good I have the campfire starting worked out! I think it would be better to know how to unload a bolt-action rifle… at least before I attempt to clean it.

20. Change oil and filter. Meh. Then I have to do something eco-friendly with the oil. I think I’ll let someone else do this. A lack of knowing how to do this will also prevent me from volunteering to do it for some other clueless person.

21. Hook up HDTV? They’re really grasping now. How is this manly? I have a ten year old that could figure this out way better than any man over 30.

22. Bleed brakes. Good gravy! What for? In case I decide to off my stepmother? Apparently I need a helper for this so I’ll need to get rid of the witness, too. Accident cleaning my bolt-action rifle?

23. Paddle a canoe. I can do this. Not well but I can do it… I’m sure this goes along with #3… someone at PM had a bad boating experience…

24. Fix a bike flat. I don’t own a bike but I’ll be sure to flatten someone else’s so I can offer my assistance… or at least my copy of PM.

25. Extend your wireless network. I don’t have a wireless network so I have to think I know everything I need to know about this!

This was a somewhat disappointing list. I don’t feel as manly as I had anticipated. Probably just as well. As a woman I won’t wasted my time on the useless half of this list. I’ve gotta know though- how many of you men out there can do everything on this list? What was your score? No, you don’t get extra points for getting the condom on the computer.

Cameronisms

Cameron is 14.
 He's brilliant. And he makes me laugh. 

I'm sort of surprised.  He was a real dick when he was little.

Supper

I hate deciding what to make for supper so I always ask even if I don't get a real answer.

Cam, I suppose tired of the question, replies, "Why don't you just do what dad does? Decide for us and then make us choke it down."

Jokes

Cameron's brother, Michael, is very into making up jokes while we're driving in the car. "why'd the dad cross the road... why'd Craig cross the road... knock knock... why did the mom cross the road..."

Cameron: "What's the difference between Jews and Catholics?"

Silence. Me: "Uh... what?"

Cameron: "I don't know, that's why I'm asking"


Santa

me: I told you not to tell Mike about Santa!
Cam: I didn't! You told me not to.
me: He says you did.
Cam, after a thoughtful pause: Maybe he figured it out by himself after I explained why there's no god

Michaelisms

My son, Michael, is eight.  

He's a young eight. 

And he's delightful, innocent, and funny in the way eight year olds should be.

Dinosaurs

Michael: Mummy, did dinosaurs and people live together?

Me: No. Dinosaurs were here before people.

Michael: Which planet did people live on until after the dinosaurs were gone?

Sperm

"Mummy, I think I know how boys get more sperm.  I think a girl sperm and a boy sperm get married and then they have two babies... How do you think sperm get married?"

The cat

The baby starts to fuss. I roll over - Mike is sitting on the bed next to my head watching me sleep.

Me: "How long have you been there?"

Mike: "A while"

Me: "Did you wake up the baby?"

Mike: "No, that was the cat"