Magazine lists of things you need to know

In 2008, Popular Mechanics had an article entitled: 25 Skills Every Man Should Know.

I just had to get it. How could I resist that? I mean really? Part of me was appalled at the sexism. The other part wanted to know what 25 things made men manly… and being on my own at the time I figured it was time I learned to be a man- so to speak.

Okay, what 25 things should the new man in me know how to do… hmmm.

1. Patch a radiator hose. I don’t even know what a radiator hose is. I know it’s in my car- presumably under the hood. But what’s under the hood is very expensive so I’m going to leave that to a professional. Moving on.

2. Protect your computer…wow. How am I gonna get a condom on my computer… its not like I cruise the porn sites anyway. I’ll give this one a miss, too.

3. Rescue a boater who has capsized. This is all part of natural selection in my opinion. So far this article isn’t terribly helpful…

4. Frame a wall. For what exactly? For the shed I’m going to feel compelled to build to go with my lean-to while I’m stuck in the woods? Cause if I’m home I know exactly how to frame a wall- I call a contractor.

5. Retouch digital photos. Huh?

6. Back up a trailer. This I can do already. I may not be able to put it where you want it but I can put it where I want it and that should pretty much be the same thing.

7. Build a campfire. This I can do with fire to spare. Junior woodsman of the year when I was 15. I’m way ahead on this… do I get two points for this one?

8. Fix a dead outlet. Looks easy enough. And if it turns out I can’t do it right the building will burn down and no one will be the wiser.

9. Navigate with a map and compass. Yeehah. These are getting easier. I can get lost in a mall or downtown Halifax but give me a map and a compass and I’m good to go… as long as someone else sets the declination for me, naturally.

10. Use a torque wrench. Can’t see a lot of use of a torque wrench in my future but I’ll look to PM when the day comes. They’ve simplified it to one paragraph. How hard can it be?

11. Sharpen a knife. Don was addicted to sharpening knives. Intimidating, yes. But instructional, too. I think I can do this one.

12. Perform CPR. Umm… wouldn’t bet your life on it but I was trained to do this a few times in the past. Next?

13. Fillet a fish? WTF? I don’t even eat fish. I’m sure in the event that I get lost in the woods (ha) while on a hike (snort) and manage to rig a fishing tool (fish hook earrings finally prove their worth) and strangely manage to catch said fish, why would I fillet it? I fucking hate fish. The irony will be when I die of starvation surrounded my 25 beautifully filleted fish.

14. Maneuver a car out of skid. Okay. I know what you’re thinking but, really, I can do this. I may have more skids than the rest of you but this just means that statistically I maneuver out of more of them than most.

15. Get a car unstuck. Hehe. No sweat. I’ve had lots of practice. Maybe men should learn not to get stuck in the first place. I would have found that article more helpful.

16. Back up data. Why is this man stuff? I guess women never get stuck, skid, or lose data? No wonder we’re so superior.

17. Paint a room. Been there. Done that. Got the shirt to prove it.

18. Mix concrete. Ooh. I’ve seen this done, I can read directions, and I’m supposedly doing this this summer. I’m gonna be able to check off another one. I notice it doesn’t say I have to know how to pour it. I guess that the next 25 things manly men can do.

19. Clean a bolt-action rifle. It doesn’t say why I should know how to do this. I guess in case the filleting a fish thing doesn’t work out for me? Either way its good I have the campfire starting worked out! I think it would be better to know how to unload a bolt-action rifle… at least before I attempt to clean it.

20. Change oil and filter. Meh. Then I have to do something eco-friendly with the oil. I think I’ll let someone else do this. A lack of knowing how to do this will also prevent me from volunteering to do it for some other clueless person.

21. Hook up HDTV? They’re really grasping now. How is this manly? I have a ten year old that could figure this out way better than any man over 30.

22. Bleed brakes. Good gravy! What for? In case I decide to off my stepmother? Apparently I need a helper for this so I’ll need to get rid of the witness, too. Accident cleaning my bolt-action rifle?

23. Paddle a canoe. I can do this. Not well but I can do it… I’m sure this goes along with #3… someone at PM had a bad boating experience…

24. Fix a bike flat. I don’t own a bike but I’ll be sure to flatten someone else’s so I can offer my assistance… or at least my copy of PM.

25. Extend your wireless network. I don’t have a wireless network so I have to think I know everything I need to know about this!

This was a somewhat disappointing list. I don’t feel as manly as I had anticipated. Probably just as well. As a woman I won’t wasted my time on the useless half of this list. I’ve gotta know though- how many of you men out there can do everything on this list? What was your score? No, you don’t get extra points for getting the condom on the computer.